Today's society is obsessed with appearances? From the top of the head to the tip of the toes, people are having all sorts of makeovers done on their bodies. It cost more than the mortgage on our homes just to keep ourselves looking fit for public viewing these days.

And speaking of makeovers,  I had my face lifted a while back. It happened a few years ago while I was in the hospital. I was having some routine tests done and I fell asleep. After I came home I happened to look in the mirror one day and realized someone had lifted my face. They had replaced it with what appeared to be a wrinkled up brown paper bag. I think I saw this 25-year-old woman wearing it not too long after that.

I swear, like Hubby always says, I can't have nothin'.  A person can't close their eyes these days without someone taking their stuff.

And this 25-year-old knows where I live now. I think she has been sneaking into my house while I'm sleeping. Either that or I have ghosts in my house.

Like the thing with my hands for instance. I looked at them the other day and saw that they had been replaced with an old worn out pair that looked like they'd been in dishwater for eight and a half years. But at least who ever took them did have the decency to put my rings back onto the fingers.

And not only does this person - or persons - take things. They leave their disgusting scraps behind. Things like cellulite and body fat. I woke up one morning to find that someone had rubbed cellulite all over my thighs, and stuck big blobs of fat all around my waist line.

And now they've started messing around with my clothes. I think they are shrinking them in the cloths dryer and causing them to not fit me anymore. My shirts hang off the shoulders and my jeans will barely button, and my dresses look hideous. They may even be using my sewing machine to do the alterations like taking the garments  in at the waist line and letting them out in the bust line.

If that wasn't bad enough they even stole my feet and left me an old pair with two bunions and a corn...with toenail fungus on the big toe, for heaven's sake. 

 I've just about had it with this body snatcher. Besides I don't have very much left for her to snatch. I think it's about time for someone to put a stop to it.

The police have all of the evidence documented. I call them each time I find that something is missing and they file a report. I told them to be on the look-out for a woman who appears to be about 25 years old with no wrinkles, no cellulite, smooth hands and great looking feet. They promised me they would. But in the meantime they suggested I get a good home security system and call in a priest to exorcise the ghosts from my house.

They also gave me several names of top notch psychiatrists who they said might be able to help me out.

I'm just hoping they can find this woman and make her give me back my good body parts! I can't see me spending the mortgage payments on nips, tucks, and botox.