This is my favorite bird. They are so tiny yet so elusive. I felt as though I had captured a rare gem when I got this photo. I tried to get the ruby throated humming bird but he was to fast for me. He kept darting in just long enough to flash his pretty colors at me then he was off again. Maybe next time...

"If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."
~Anatole France~

Hello again, Dear Readers. First of all, let me say that I appreciate all of you who regularly read my column.

Secondly, I would like to be serious here for just a moment. Now stop looking at me that way...I can be serious sometimes...sort of.

The number one most rewarding thing about writing a weekly humor column is all those letters and comments I get each week from my readers. I cherish all three of them.  Even the one that said, "Leeuna, you are mentally unstable and we feel that you should be institutionalized."

In light of this, I decided I would dedicate this column to answering a few of the questions I have been asked recently by some very intelligent newspaper readers, who incidentally have excellent taste in the humor columns they choose to read. (If you're reading this, you know who you are.)

Last week a letter poured in from a reader who asked me for some advice on marriage.  Now, I don't claim to be an expert on the subject of matrimony, however I have said "I do" on four different occasions so I do know more about it than most people, like...say...perhaps those of you who (unlike me) have never heard the phrase "Get your stuff and get out, you worthless moron!"

The question I was asked this week was, "What is your formula for a lasting marriage?" to which I first replied, "What is that?" 

After giving it a little more thought, I came up with the following advice for my readers, and you are free to quote me on this:

"The key to a lasting marriage is to never go to bed angry at one another...instead, you should sleep on the couch until your spouse apologizes and buys you jewelry or golf clubs, depending on your gender."

You're welcome and I am glad I could help.

Another reader asked the following question:
 "Dear Leeuna,
How do you get mustard stains out of a white linen table cloth? The letter was signed, Furious Fran."

Dear Aunt Fran,
You can't. I'll buy you another one when I get paid. Please tell Uncle Zeke I'm sorry for throwing the hot dog at him.

Moving right along, I would also like to add that I will not be opening my own private Smoked Salmon restaurant, as someone recently suggested. For one thing, I am really against smoking salmon as I am currently trying to kick the habit myself. (I'm currently down to a pack and a half a day.)

I will, however continue to answer all my letters either in my column or by personal messenger as I receive them. Feel free to write to me concerning anything that might be troubling you at this point. I will do my utmost to give you my free and unbiased opinion and you can heed my advice at your own peril.

Hopefully next week we will be answering the questions that I am asked most often by my readers. These are questions that puzzle all of us from time to time, and it's high time someone addressed the issues and gave the public some concrete answers. It is something that I know all of you have been wondering about but most of you were too shy to ask:

---If two people get on a bus at the same time and they are both traveling in the same direction, what color is an orange?
---If we can't see something that isn't there, then how do we know when something is missing?
---If a fly didn't have wings would it be called a walk?

Finally, in closing let me add that this column is not to be taken internally, it is for tropical use only and it is not to be dispensed without a prescription. Do not attempt  to operate a motor vehicle while reading and see your doctor if your condition worsens or symptoms occur. Side effects may include the word "duhhh".

Jeff Foxworthy has made his fortune making fun of Southern folks. The Beverley Hillbillies and The Andy Griffith Show grossed mega millions and these shows are still earning royalties. There have been countless movies too numerous to mention, that poked fun at us as well. But now I would like to take this opportunity to tell y'all a little secret. It ain't true. They made all that stuff up!

Yep. All lies. All the non-Southerners have been duped.

Besides being one of the most intelligent groups in the world, folks from the South also possess a sixth sense. It's called common sense. (often referred to as horse sense) Yes. We learned early on that you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar. We live by the motto "Haste Makes Waste". We are slow, but we aren't stupid. We figured out that folks "Up North" laugh at us whenever we poke fun at ourselves. And the more they laughed, the more money we made from our fun poking. See what I'm saying?

Now I will admit that nearly every small town in the South has a Gomer Pyle, a Jethro Bodine, and a few Ellie Maes, Aunt Beas and Andies. But when you study them really closely, you'll see that they are really Einsteins in overalls.

Show me something that's broken and I'll show you a Southerner who can fix it. It's a rare thing for a Southerner to take something into a shop to be repaired. The majority of the males were taught how to tear down a car engine, or any other engine for that matter, and put it back together, before they were taught how to drive. A lot of our ladies can do that as well. They were taught by their fathers and grandfathers how to build houses, long before they had need of homes of their own.

They can hunt and fish and grow their own vegetables, grind their own grain, make their own whiskey, wine and beer. In fact if you put a few Southerners on a deserted island, with only a hoe, a saw and a hammer, in no time at all, they would have a whole new state developed, complete with antebellum mansions, a general store, a church, a school and a couple of factories up and running. It's due to that sixth sense called "common".

And the food! You have never tasted food until you've had it Southern Style. Country Ham, Red Eye Gravy, Grits, Cat Head Biscuits. It's enough to make your tongue slap your brains out.  Southern ladies are taught only four methods of cooking. They either fry it, bake it, barbecue it, or roast it. And they never do any of this without lots of grease, salt and/or sugar. Forget saute, poach, blanch, steam, puree, or garnish, nor do they serve the food as a presentation, to be admired for its creative style and elegance. ( you'll never witness it being placed in the middle of a huge plate in a pool of sauce, then shaped into a quenelle, then crowned with this, and dusted lightly with that, decorated with something else, then served up looking like a glob of house paint with the sponge left in it.) They chop, stir, flip, pour, add a pinch of this and a dash of that, then when it's cooked they put it on a plate and holler "Come and git it!".

Never tell a Southerner to hurry. He just doesn't do that. Southerners like to drive slow and brake often. They're a friendly bunch. They can't wave to their neighbors if they're driving 97 miles per hour through town. They like to make each day an experience, and make it as much fun as possible. It is a common site to find clumps of them, shaking hands and hugging one another, everywhere you look, from the grocery store to the post office. To not say, "Howdy, how 're you today?" is considered a humongous faux pas. No matter how much they need to get done in a day, they always find the time to chat. What they don't get done today will be there tomorrow anyway. They take life slow and easy because they've learned that one's time here is short enough anyway without rushing through it.

Southerners are not hesitant to speak their minds, or to fight against injustice, but they have learned to do it in a tactful, soft-spoken manner. If you have ever been upbraided by a true Southerner, you might even come away feeling like you just received a compliment.

Of late, there has been a huge influx of Yankees on our sacred Southern soil. Maybe it's time we looked into a little immigration reform for the South. Perhaps Homeland Security should station the National Guard near the Mason/Dixon line, and have them check everyone who is crossing to make certain they have acquired their Redneck visas, and passed the test for their Southernship.

Another thing that I would suggest is that if a Yankee is going to immigrate to the South, then he should be made to learn the language. This is for their own safety and well being. They need to be able to speak slowly, drop the 'ings' from all words ending with i-n-g, know the difference in a house far and a fur distance. Minor points I will admit, but very important in the event their house catches far. They need to know that the far department is a fur ways down the road and that they should call immediately when the first puff of smoke is discovered. Also they need to pronounce it as "house far", so they will not be misunderstood and confused with the County Fair that might be in town that week.

Recently a poll was conducted to determine why so many Yankees are now moving to the South. When they were asked the question, "What do you like most about the South?", 87% of them said it was because the people were so friendly. 10% said it was a toss up between the people and the beautiful scenery. The other 3% said something, but their accent was so sharp and nasal that we couldn't understand what they said. We're guessing they said it was the moonshine, and the homemade blackberry wine.

Let me now leave you with this one last word of caution. The information contained in this article is just between the two of us, so don't go tellin' everybody up there in the North. They might not laugh at poor ole Foxworthy's redneck jokes anymore. Then he'd have to move up there and live in the subway, or in a box in an alley someplace.

The kitchen is my favorite room in the house. It is where all the food is prepared, it's where food is stored and it is where food is supposed to be eaten, well either there or in the dining room. Why then does my family want to take a plate and go to the living room and sit in front of the television when they eat?

Have you seen the public service announcement about The Family Table? I almost saw it once but Hubby clicked through the channels so fast I caught only half of it.

According to the folks who sponsor the public service message, the supper table is where the family should gather each evening to discuss their day and share their hopes and dreams with one another.  (This is also the perfect place to bring up the subject of the huge dent you put in the side of hubby's new truck when you backed over it. For as we all know, most men when eating greasy pork chops, biscuits, artery clogging gravy and buttered down mashed potatoes have the tendency to smile and nod in response to anything you tell them. Of course they would never admit it, so they wouldn't dare confess that they were so engrossed in raising their cholesterol levels they didn't hear what you said.)

Speaking of unhealthy food...I know I'm a little off topic here so stay with me...does it perturb you as much as it does me when the Surgeon General or whoever is head of the food police tells you that something is good for you, then about a month later they say it is actually a hazard to your health. Like for years now we have been hearing that we need to drink lots of water. We should drink at least eight glasses a day if not more. Well, I read a report last week which stated that the human body doesn't need excessive amounts of water and that in fact too much water can kill you. If you drink more than your kidneys can process, this can lead to a disorder called hyponatremia, meaning "low sodium." This occurs when someone drinks a large amount of water in a short period of time and the kidneys can't eliminate the water fast enough, causing the amount of sodium in the blood to drop too low.

Also we have been told that coffee is bad for the liver. Paul Harvey once reported on research findings which showed that the same amount of coffee each day was just as damaging to the liver as was the same amount of alcohol. Now I hear that coffee is good for you. According to the newest research findings, at least two cups of coffee daily can reduce the risk of colon cancer by 25% and reduce the risk of liver cirrhosis by 80%.

For years we've been warned against eating eggs. They were bad for our cholesterol levels. Now I'm reading about recent studies which show that the regular consumption of two eggs per day does not affect a person's bad cholesterol level and may in fact improve it. According to reports, saturated fat and not dietary cholesterol is the culprit.

Don't eat pork, they once said. Now it is called "the other white meat" and according to nutritionists, pork is an excellent source of six essential vitamins, four important minerals, protein and energy.

We say "tomato", they say "toe-mah-toe". We say "potato", they say "poe-tah-toe. They say "the family table", I say "the coffee table...in the living room...in front of the TV". 

No matter where you gather to eat, it's still supper.  Families shouldn't talk with their mouths full anyway.