Wishing you every joy,

For my topic this week I thought it would be good to address the issue of driving a vehicle while engaging in conversation on a cell phone. While presenting these facts to you,  I also wanted to say a few words about nose boogers and how both of these issues need to be put into their proper perspective.  (I can hear some of you out there saying "It's high time someone addressed these issues," to which I reply, "You're welcome.")

While driving down Jackson-Love Highway yesterday afternoon, I passed several cars going in the opposite direction.  While this in itself is not unique since it is a two-lane blacktop, I began to actually take notice of the drivers operating the vehicles. This is something new to me as I often pay no attention whatsoever to the faces in the oncoming windshields.  In so doing, the startling fact was brought to my attention: for almost every other car that passed me, there was a cell phone attached to the driver's ear.  And here's the real kicker: all of them were women drivers except for three. Out of the thirty-seven odd motorists that passed by only three were men. And out of these three men drivers, one was talking on a cell phone, one wasn't, and the other one had his finger up his nose.

Now in light of all these cold hard facts, I ask you this question: Should picking ones nose while driving be outlawed?  According to The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, which issued the report, ten percent of drivers were caught picking their noses, up from 4 percent last year. This has become increasingly prevelant over the past few months, mainly due to the heavy pollen count and possible boredom. Highway Safety Analysts are now reccommending that motorists remove offensive matter from their nasal passages while driving, only during an emergency.

Researchers have tried to figure out the possible risks of driving and nasal clearance. A study published by the Metropolis Medical Journal in March found drivers with their fingers in their noses were four times as likely to get into a crash that could cause injuries serious enough to land them in the hospital. Even the use of a tissue or hankie may not necessarily improve safety. Both types of booger removal can increase the risk of accident.

Safety officials contend that picking ones nose is just one of the many forms of distraction for motorists: many drivers drink hot coffee, fiddle with the knobs on their stereo, apply makeup or smoke cigarettes, while the others chat on their cell phones.

Nevertheless, whether one is picking, talking, smoking, drinking, eating or fiddling, they should always pay close attention to what the drivers of the other cars are doing.
 
You'll have to excuse me as I am right now entering a busy intersection and I must stop typing and focus on the road. And besides that, my cell phone is ringing. I did, however, remember to blow my nose thoroughly before leaving home. I believe the new traffic law will go into effect any day now.  Pick it and Ticket.

I moved the video to the comments section on this post. I couldn't make it stop playing when the page opened. Anyway, I was gettin' too much of a good thing I'm sure y'all were too.

You know you're getting older when the funniest thing about falling down is watching it happen to someone else. I've always heard that we're only as old as we feel. If that is the case, then most days I'm a fossil.

According to recent reports, our generation of seniors is getting younger. As stated by the experts, "the new forty is now age fifty-five". I wish I had come across this information a few years ago. If I had, I would still be in my thirties.

I decided to do my own research on the cause and effect of ageing. I began by conducting a public opinion poll on growing older. Actually I asked a few people on the street if they were old people. The first one hit me with her purse, another one asked if I had a dollar I could spare, and two people said "yes, we're old geezers, what's it to you!" The majority of the folks I questioned told me to mind my own business. In light of the results from this back-breaking research, I came to the conclusion that old people are mean. (Now, before you get mad and start throwing things at me, remember that sticks and stones will break my bones...)

The results are all in, and I have concluded that the number one cause of ageing is time. I don't have anything against time. Time is important. In fact I wish I had more of it. However, the fact remains that while time heals all wounds, it eventually kills us.

Time is said to be the best teacher as well, although none of its students ever live to graduate. I've learned a few things over the years. Important things like, if you give a man a deer steak you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to hunt deer for himself, he will not do a lick of work from September through February, and when four cars reach an intersection at the same time, the driver pointing the gun goes first.

After these two startling revelations, I began to ask more questions, hoping to gain that additional wisdom and knowledge which is supposed to come with age. Perhaps you too have pondered on some of the following questions, the most intriguing one being, " Where do people go on vacation if they work all year at a vacation resort? Do they go to an industrial park?" Or perhaps you've wondered why we ignore our doctor's advice, yet we plan our weekends around the weather reports from Meteorologists.

Another question begs to be answered. Did Al Gore really invent the Internet? Is that where the word, algorithm, came from...?

Ignorance is not a virtue and the only thing that improves with age is hindsight. Politics are like the weather, everybody talks about it but nobody does anything. If you want to see a cheerful giver, ask someone for their opinion. And if you look closely, those who give advice so freely usually have the IQ of a door knob.

Wouldn't it be nice if we were born with all the knowledge and wisdom of someone who has lived to be 100 years old. By the time we got around to the really big mistakes, we'd be too old to make them.

We never get too old to learn something new. In fact, I learned a new lesson just this morning. My dog knocked me down. I landed flat of my back on the hardwood floor. I immediately wrote down the following discovery in my list of things I've learned...

The older you get the harder you fall.

According to the latest news reports, country singer-songwriter, Willie "On The Road Again" Nelson and his sidekicks Poncho and Lefty...no wait a minute, it was his tour manager David Anderson and his sister Bobbie Nelson...were spared jail time in a court hearing held last week by pleading guilty to a misdemeanor count of marijuana possession.

The court hearing stemmed from an incident that happened on September 18, 2006 just a few miles east of Lafayette, Louisiana. According to several news reports, Nelson's bus was travelling along Interstate 10 at a lightning speed of two miles per hour, when it was stopped for a routine commercial inspection and the officer smelled what appeared to be the putrid odor of Pepi Le Pue.

The state trooper then searched the bus for the offending skunk and discovered about 1-1/2  pounds of marijuana and 91 grams of hallucinogenic mushrooms.  When confronted with the evidence and questioned about the large bag of weed and the psychedelic mushrooms, Nelson replied, "Man, I'm starved to death. You gonna eat that doughnut?"

Willie Nelson and four other passengers on the bus were cited for possession and released. In addition to being cited for possession the driver of the bus had his commercial driving privileges suspended and they all went to the nearest Waffle House where they ate happily for the next three hours while admiring all the pretty colors.

The court hearing last week resulted in Nelson and Anderson being fined $1,024 each. Both will be on probation for six months and while Nelson could have been sentenced to six months in jail, he was slapped severely across the wrist and ordered to wash his hair. He was also advised to combine both his braided locks into one long french braid down the back of his head. Nelson was heard whistling  "Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys...Cowboys Are Frequently, Secretly Fond of Each Other," as he left the courthouse.

In light of this recent tragic state of affairs, Hollywood has, in a moment of sheer genius, decided to do something that has seldom been done before. They have made a movie from current events ripped straight from the headlines. The new movie promises to  be an even bigger box office hit than the movie "Snakes On A Plane". They have titled this newest cinema enema, "Roaches On A Bus".

The new box office phenomenon stars Martha Stewart and Donald Trump. Trump plays the part of the Roach and Stewart portrays the character, Martha, heiress to the Teflon potholder fortune, accused of murdering her father with a pot roast.

Critics who have reviewed "Roaches On A Bus" gave it a two thumbs up and one pointing sideways, calling it "the smokinest movie of the summer".

Nelson, 73, became famous in the 1970s as part of the outlaw country movement that included influences from rock, jazz and Julio Iglesias. Despite the rumors, Nelson says he does not plan on switching to Bluegrass. 

Nelson still remains an advocate for the legalization of potted meat. His sister, Bobbie Nelson was exonorated due to a plea agreement.  The driver of Willie Nelson's tour bus is now a passenger. 

(c) Leeuna Foster, 2007