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Here is my new article.  It is always such a joy sharing them

We interrupt the war in Iraq to bring you this special bulletin concerning...Paris Hilton!

It would appear that doing 'hard time' for reckless driving (while drunk) and violating her probation by driving on a suspended license (twice) has changed the Hilton Hotel airhead...er...heiress a great deal (or it may have been Elliott Mintz, her publicist who made her see the light)  Nevertheless, I feel that Paris Hilton should be rewarded for her show of remorse and the new leaf she has seemingly "turned over". In fact, I propose that we all show our support by donating  money to send her on a quail hunt with Dick Cheney.
 
According to the latest reports, poor Paris took a turn for the worse while in jail and decided to go home. (I'm guessing she needed to shave her legs. Her mother baked her a cake with a nail file hidden inside, however, a razor was too heavy to conceal.) She was reported to have been crying real tears, which I say might be good for her. Maybe she will develop an expression on her face.

“It was a horrible experience. I was not eating or sleeping. I was severely depressed and felt as if I was in a cage," Hilton told reporters.  (Gee, ya think?) 

"I was not myself," Hilton said. (In my humble opinion, this must have been a vast improvement.) She added that her skin was dry because she hadn't been allowed any moisturizer. Now if that isn't cruel and unusual punishment I don't know what is.

She also said that she hadn't looked into a mirror since she had been jailed. (No wonder she wasn't herself). Three whole days is a looooong time. And now she still has around 18 more days to go. I bet she won't even remember herself after she serves the complete three weeks.  She had requested a piece of "Martha Stewart jewelry" for her ankle so she could do her time at home, but Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer denied her request. So she was sent back to the pokey (which is a French word meaning, "the horrible place with no cosmetics").

Hilton’s lawyers had sought to have her released on grounds that the 26-year-old was suffering an unspecified medical condition. But Sauer suggested that her legs had always resembled pipe cleaners and that could be taken care of at jail medical facilities.

According to the latest reports, Paris told Barbara Walters that she had grown up a lot since going to jail three days ago, and would no longer act dumb. (Gee, I didn't even know she was acting! Give that woman an Oscar!) Paris also told Walters that she had become more spiritual. She will probably have a picture of  Mother Theresa tattooed on her back while she is wiling away the hours in this moisturizerless cage. That is if the skin on her back isn't too dried up and cracked.

Hilton also said she was "shocked" that the media had given such extensive coverage to her case. She said they should focus on other, more important issues like the war in Iraq, and who will replace Bob Barker on The Price is Right.

Stay tuned to local, national and regional news stations for an hourly report on Paris' dry skin and her rise to sainthood.

Now back to the war in Iraq.

Identity Theft and Other Ideas

I've been hearing a lot of talk lately about the dangers of identity theft.  Apparently it is easy for a person to steal another person's identity and use their bank accounts, credit cards, charge accounts and other things of value.

How does identity theft happen? Why does it happen and would it ever happen to you? These are a few burning questions that we need to ask someone, preferably someone who knows what the word 'identity' means. Preferably someone with an IQ that's a little higher than that of a shoe box.  Perhaps we could ask ourselves these question, providing we know the answers.

Identity theft occurs when someone uses your personal information without your permission to buy things or get government aid (good luck with that one, I say). While you can't entirely protect yourself from ever becoming a victim of identity theft, there are things you can do to minimize your risk.

First and foremost let's discuss credit card theft. If you are among the millions of people experiencing swipeout, (which is a new term for when your credit card is rendered useless from too many swipes, and it is over the limit, and the account is flagged as grossly delinquent)  then you need not worry about anyone using your credit cards. The credit card companies will no longer allow you to use them, so there is little to no danger that anyone else would be able to make any charges to your account. This a great way to prevent credit card fraud.  So I would suggest maxing out all your credit cards immediately. If you don't need to buy anything at this time, feel free to buy something for me. I am always happy to lend a hand in helping others in these type situations.

The next thing is your bank accounts.  If you have a checking account, there is a possibility that someone can steal your checks and forge your name on them and spend all your money.  However, if your account is overdrawn and your checks are bouncing so badly that you have named the account Tigger, then the possibility of someone using your checks is almost nil.  I would once again suggest that you immediately begin writing checks until your account is at least a thousand dollars into the overdraft.  And here again, I am willing to help out as much as possible.  You are welcome to make out all your checks to my organization called, "Creating and Sharing Humor," or C.A.S.H. as it is more commonly called.

The next thing that we need to worry about is that someone might steal your social security number and use it to apply for your government health benefits.  And here I say "Bwwaahaahaahahaha! Hehehee!"  Sorry, I couldn't help that. The mere thought just struck me as hilarious.

However, should your identity be stolen here are a few tips on how to deal with it.

(1) File a report with your local library or the police in the community where the person whose identity was stolen from resides if their residence was different than the place where the identity theft took place and if it is outside the jurisdiction of some other police department or drugstore.
 
(2) Get a copy of the report or at the very least, the number of words on the report, the color of the ink, or the type of paper it was written on, to submit to your creditors and others that may require proof of the crime or the alleged crime as the case may be as was the case of Dingle vs. Morton (1856) [Record Group 233] (HR32B-D8.5).

The main thing is, don't panic. Perhaps the person who stole your identity will attempt to give it back for fear of being arrested and thrown into debtors prison. Or they might feel really sorry for you and pay off your bills and clear your credit.

It is also a good idea to check your credit reports. The cost is minimal, and it makes money for the credit reporting agencies and keeps them in business.  Have you checked your credit score lately? The higher the number the better your credit. My credit score is so low on the minus side I fell off the scale. So I'm not all that worried about identity theft. In fact, I  probably couldn't pay someone to steal mine.  This makes me feel a lot more secure and protected against the possibility of ever becoming a victim of identity theft.  And we all know what they say about prevention...don't we?

For those of you who have been reading my blog, I'm sure you have met Shadow, my 90 pound black Lab.  Well, I have a piece of bad news. Shadow is in trouble with the law!  Yes, he has turned to a life of crime. It's sad that you raise a dog to be a good law-abiding citizen and then when he grows up, he turns into a delinquent.

Here's the thing. He went exploring the neighborhood and visited the wrong neighbor. He knows that he is supposed to stay in the yard. That is the reason for the seven foot chain link fence surrounding our property. But lo and behold, the gate was left open and he saw an opportunity to go visit with the people who live in the neighborhood. There is a small fluke in his personality...he is too friendly. He loves people and he is very curious about what goes on around him. 

When I saw him playing in the yard next door, I said to myself, "hey they have a dog just like Shadow...but unfortunately they didn't.  (They hate dogs)  Realizing it was my wayward juvenile delinquent K9, I opened the door and whistled for Shadow to come home.  He came bounding up the back steps and into the house, grinning like a possum. I wagged my finger at him and told him he was a bad dog for going next door. At the same moment, I heard a car horn and I looked out and a sheriff's deputy was sitting in my driveway.  (We have friends and acquaintances on the force and I just assumed that they had dropped by for a personal reason).  I walked outside and received the shock of the day.  Someone had called the sheriff's department on Shadow. 

The officer told me I would have to put the dog up.  They had received a 911 call from one of my neighbors that my dog was "running loose" and bothering them!

Now I understand that dogs can be a bother to folks who hate them, and while I can't understand why anyone can hate a dog, I respect their feelings. So let me explain why I was so shocked by the visit from the Sheriff's department. I was born and raised in this very neighborhood. I have lived here for fifty-three years.  I know everyone by their first names and I know their family members. I have even watched some of these people grow up.  I have a telephone and I am listed in the phone book.  What I cannot for the life of me understand is WHY did these people not call me and tell me my dog was bothering them? (unless my number was too long to dial, as opposed to the three digits, 9-1-1)  I would have apologized and put him up immediately. Instead, they felt the need to call the sheriff and waste our taxpayers' money and the officer's time, which could have been used to investigate a more serious crime. He was dispatched out to my home to tell me to put my dog up, when the neighbor could have shouted the request to me across the yard and there would have been no problem.  I'm sorry but that makes no sense to me.  (Our county deputies are underpaid and overworked already I might add).

I did learn something from all this, something that I wasn't aware of and perhaps some of you didn't know about it either: There is now a leash law in the county. I don't know when the law was passed, but I was unaware of it.  Now that I am, I will be more careful to keep the gate closed.

Meanwhile, Shadow is hiding his face in shame. He broke the law. He is now under 'house arrest" and will remain incarcerated in our yard indefinitely. He has been charged with two counts of illegal visitation, one count of severe friendliness and several counts of excessive tail wagging.  Apparently, here in our neighborhood, being friendly is a felony.

Times sure have changed. If Lassie was alive today, she would be appalled.